Who doesn’t want to be a better communicator?
There are countless studies showing that the ability to communicate is a key skill in business. Employees are asking for better communication. Employers are looking for the ability to communicate in their hires.
But communication is one of those words that is so broad that we’ve actually lost sight of what it really means. How do you become a better communicator?
In his new book, Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg argues that, to communicate with someone, we must connect with them. We must understand what they are saying and help them clearly comprehend what we’re saying.
To connect during meaningful conversations, Duhigg says the best communicators focus on four basic rules:
- Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring.
- Share your goals and ask what others are seeking.
- Ask about others’ feelings and share your own.
- Explore if identities are important to this discussion.
The first rule is the foundation. Whenever we speak, we’re actually participating in one of three conversations: practical (What’s this really about?), emotional (How do we feel?), and social (Who are we?). If you don’t know what kind of conversation you’re having, connection is hard.
I have messed up countless conversations with my wife because I didn’t understand this. She wanted to vent about something (an emotional conversation) and I wanted to fix it (a practical conversation) rather than just listening and being supportive. I learned a while ago, if I couldn’t figure it out on my own, to ask if she wanted me to propose a solution or just listen. After reading this book, I now know why that’s so important.
The second rule is fairly straightforward. We create lots of problems by not being clear about our purpose for a conversation.
I see this all the time when business leaders avoid difficult conversations. Rather than address it immediately, they put it off until the next performance review. And then it comes indirectly after a bunch of other stuff.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t bring it up in a performance review. But you should clearly state your intention as soon as possible after the incident by saying something like: “I need to give you some feedback.” Now, the employee is clear about your goals for the conversation.
The other area where we have to be clear is the third rule: asking about their feelings and being willing to share our own.
Because emotions drive so many conflicts, during fights it’s even more important to discuss how we feel. It can reveal how to bridge the gulf. Researchers have found that, in a conflict, proving we are listening and sharing vulnerabilities can be particularly powerful. To do that, we must:
- Acknowledge that we understand their point of view. We do this through statements such as, “let me make sure I understand.”
- Find specific points of agreement.
- Temper your claims. Don’t make sweeping statements like, “You always…” Use words like “somewhat” or “it might be” and speak about specific experiences.
The goal is showing that the aim of this conversation is not winning, but understanding. It’s okay to disagree as long as you show that your goal is to understand and to be understood.
If it is a social conversation, it touches on “our relationships, how we are seen by others and see ourselves, and our social identities.” That’s where the fourth rule is vital, because “who we are” conversations are the toughest.
They’re about our role in larger groups. To navigate these challenging discussions, we must remind everyone they have multiple identities, get people “on equal footing,” and then leverage our existing roles into a new, shared group. We literally have to find areas of agreement we can build on.
If you want to be a supercommunicator, pick up Duhigg’s book. Let me know what you think about it or your communication secrets in the comments below.
Why be a better communicator? Because as Duhigg writes, “The right conversation, at the right moment, can change everything.”